Hello everyone! Welcome back to another issue of Concrete. I’m Aunt Glia, your resident Agony Aunt! 

Happy Valentines Day everyone! 

Now, did anyone else get visited by Jack Valentine when they were little on Valentine’s Day? It’s an old Norfolk tradition, but basically, on Valentine’s Day, Jack Valentine knocks on the door of children (and grown adults if you have a JV like mine!), leaves a newspaper parcel of goodies and runs away before you can see him! It’s a super cute tradition, and we always looked forward to it as kids. Maybe you could incorporate this tradition into your Valentines plans this year? Even if for yourself!  

Aah, February, the season of looove! With February comes another iconic Concrete Sex Survey! I’m always curious to read the results of the sex survey, because they’re usually very eye-opening. Future me, are they?  

The question I got this issue, really made me think. It brought up some discussions about the relationship between sex, and social and gender expectations. Buckle up gang, because this one is going to be quite a ride. There is a lot of evidence to suggest, such as a 2017 article published in the National Library of Medicine, that discussing sex openly is vital for education and reducing health risks from sexual interactions, so you should never feel embarrassed discussing these things. However, feel free to skip this one if this topic isn’t for you and I’ll catch you next month. 

“Aunt Glia why does sex feel so complicated? You see it in movies and TV, and it seems so simple. You chat to your friends about it, and they seem to talk about it so normally and always seem to have these really wild experiences. Mine are just not like that. Why is it so hard for me? What am I missing?” 

I think the root of this query is an important topic. The views and experiences of our friends (as well as TV and movies) can make our sexual experiences feel inadequate. I want to first iterate that when talking about sexual experiences, I’m referring to all sexual experiences – not just your classic heterosexual encounter. Everything I’m about to discuss applies to every sex-having human. Sex is about mutual respect, and that applies whether you’re straight, or definitely not straight! 

In terms of expectations, whether or not it should be all wild sex and Jell-O shots, you must remember that provided you and your sexual partner(s) are consenting (please refer yourself and others to the video entitled “Tea Consent” on YouTube, if you’re unsure), safe, happy and satisfied, that’s all that matters. However, when you have friends telling you their wild stories, it’s easy to start comparing yourself to others. But, please, please remember that no matter how good friends you are with someone, anyone can be affected by social pressures and everything you hear may not be entirely truthful. For example, an article published in the American Psychological Association’s gradPSYCH magazine, detailed an experiment that revealed a large number of young people fabricate sexual encounters and embellish their experiences to meet gender expectations. So, just as you may feel like your sexual experiences aren’t adequate or good enough, others may feel the same. They might also have a complicated relationship with sex and feel the need to embellish things, you just never know.  

On the flip side, it’s never cool to make someone feel like their experiences are not adequate enough. A study in The European Journal of Contraception & Reproductive Health Care suggests that peers can influence sexual behaviours. Friends that are permissive of sexual interaction have been seen to encourage riskier sex. So, it may be entirely possible that, through insensitive comments about someone’s sexual encounters, you’re potentially encouraging risky sexual behaviour. This is something we should all be aware of. It’s not that sex shouldn’t be discussed, it’s more that it should be discussed in a non-judgemental and respectful way. If you’re at a point where you’re discussing these things with someone, then you’re clearly in a position of trust. Recognise that, and tread carefully. Sex is an incredibly personal thing, and you have no idea what someone’s experience of it may be. Not everyone has an easy time of it, so if you have, you should always be respectful and understanding. 

Phew. And breathe. 

That was intense but to the person who asked this, and anyone else who may have been feeling this way, I hope you feel better. 

Relaaax, as long as everyone’s happy, healthy, safe and consenting – you can’t go far wrong!  

Best of luck 😉 

Anne Glia. 

If you’ve been affected by sexual abuse or assault, please use the below hotlines. 

England and Wales – RapeCrisis: 0808 500 2222 (24/7) 

Scotland – RapeCrisis: 08088 010302 (17:00-23:59) 

Northern Ireland: – Domestic and Sexual Abuse: 0808 802 1414 (24/7)

Credits: Unisplash