I had a fear of letting go. I actively held onto relationships, material items, anything I could think of, even when they were no longer good for me. I felt envious of my classmates that went to the same school as their partners, or stayed in my hometown to commute to different schools but remained together. I envied that they at least had someone in this city I grew up in, because I had a constant thought of, ‘what if?’ 

Something in me told me I had to let go of something. Really thinking about it, I had to decide whether or not it was worth being emotionally strung along. So, fast forward to January 2022. I was eating dinner solemnly, a delicious bowl of soup, staring at my annoyingly bright phone screen. I asked my boyfriend at the time if we could ‘just talk’ and I broke it off with him over the phone. And just like that, two and a half years were over. We were in a long-distance relationship for that period of time and we were supposed to go to university the same year, though different schools. I took a gap year to focus on work and save enough money for school, while he went straight to university. 

That strained our relationship as we quickly found out how much more stressful university was than doing A-Levels and messing around in AP classes. It was already difficult with an eight-hour time zone difference, with him waking up when I sleep and him sleeping when I’m awake. I no longer felt like it was going to work with so many new stresses added, and even with all the effort I gave, it wasn’t enough. 

With university, it was more than a big time-zone difference, or the difference of a couple hundred miles, with the only thing bringing people together was an absurdly priced £75 train ticket, or in my case, a $500 plane ticket. I was a fresher who didn’t know anyone at this new place, other than a few people you messaged outside a fresher’s WhatsApp group chat, trying to calm down my nerves and get settled in. I struggled as I asked myself, ‘What do I even cook, how do I make friends, how do I not look so stupid?’  

I dated casually on/off for a few months following the break up and while it was definitely new and exciting, it also felt bittersweet and empty. I had made it clear from the beginning that I was going abroad for school and I wouldn’t want to take anything further than a casual relationship and while the people I casually dated agreed, I couldn’t help but feel empty. While these months were okay and at times, the worst points in my life, it still felt bittersweet (and exciting) knowing I was never going to see these people again, so I stopped dating casually. 

Being single allowed me to truly focus on myself again, since my pivotal teenage years were mostly spent in my room staring at my phone, wondering when the next call would be. I had this new, profound confidence and I wasn’t afraid to be entering university single. I came to university not looking for a relationship but of course, it always sneaks up on you when you’re not actively looking for one. Cliche, I know. 

Feature photo credit: Scott Webb/Pixabay